


Change Your Story's Point of View So the Audience Doesn't Get Bored

by pocketsundere



Series: Rekindle. [4]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, I have been writing this piece since march, M/M, Slice of Life, and also the dirty stuff is there but not explicit, but just a little bit, dondakke!!!, there's even an illustration of a scene done by yours truly, welcome to gin-san's gay crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:34:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24992383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pocketsundere/pseuds/pocketsundere
Summary: The one where there's a change in the story's point of view so the audience doesn't get bored. Bet you didn't see that coming.(or, the story so far; the bad bits, the ugly bits, and the good bits...from Gintoki's perspective.)
Relationships: Sakata Gintoki/Takasugi Shinsuke
Series: Rekindle. [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1611340
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	Change Your Story's Point of View So the Audience Doesn't Get Bored

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I have been writing this since March! Of fucking course I wasn't done with their story! There was just so much to tell ❤
> 
> Please make sure to check out the rest of the Rekindle Series if you haven't, otherwise, some of the scenes in here are not going to make a lot of sense.
> 
> Also, yes, there is an illustration of a scene drawn by yours truly, you can see it by clicking on the (x) under the scene it's inspired by. It's not the greatest illustration ever made, but at least it doesn't suck. 
> 
> I dedicate this work to all the peeps that left comments on all the previous one-shots while I was still writing this, you guys gave me strenght to finish this and you didn't even know! Bless you.

For the past six years, Gintoki had Takasugi's birthday present under his bed. He could have easily thrown it, burn it, or stab a poorly made wall with it, but he chose to let it remain there, forever. Sometimes he would sit on the floor, against his closet, and just look at it. He always felt numb while doing so, always felt as if it was staring back at him. But, most importantly, the box was a reminder. A reminder of the things Takasugi said that summer, six years ago, and his apathy towards him ever since that day.

Gintoki and Takasugi met when they were eight, they were both playing in a playground with swings and a sandbox near both of their houses. Gintoki stared at him, a lot, wondering if his eyes were really green or if his eyes just had a weird disorder.

He approached him when the boy was swinging a stick, just like one would swing a sword. He picked his nose, blinking.

" _Oi_ ," Gintoki said. "Are your eyes really green or am I looking at them wrong?"

Takasugi turned around. He looked shocked. "Eh?"

"Your eyes, are they green, or what?"

The boy looked down, he seemed flustered. "My mom is half German. My grandma had green eyes as well."

" _Huh_ , German." Gintoki scratched his hair. He stretched his arms instead of continuing their small talk.

He heard the sound of a foot against the sand, he turned his attention to it. Takasugi had stepped in, getting closer to him.

"And your eyes are red." Takasugi said, frowning, "Why are mine weird?"

Gintoki clicked his tongue and looked over his shoulders, as if to avoid looking at him. "I never said they were weird."

There was a pause that he knew one of them had to break. When the silence became so awkward that it was impossible to bear, he sighed, annoyed.

"And my eyes are not red!" He spat out, "They are _maroon_ , big difference, kid!"

Takasugi shrugged, which pissed him off. "You're a kid too, so..."

Gintoki groaned, irritated. "I bet I'm older than you!"

"I'm eight."

Gintoki pouted angrily. " _Shoot_!"

He heard the kid laugh loudly, but it didn't sound like he was making fun of him. He gazed at him, it was more like the laugh of someone who had just heard a really funny joke. Gintoki continued to stare at him, somewhat shocked, there was just something about his laugh that seemed genuine and special.

And now, present time, he wondered: how come he thought that upon first meeting him? He didn't know him, yet he had already guessed what kind of person he was.

After that, Gintoki challenged him to a stick fight. He won the first round and told him to come back the very next day. And just like that, they were seeing each other everyday.

At one point they became close friends. They bickered, they mocked each other, and they butted heads constantly, but Gintoki liked it like that, loved it, even.

He taught Takasugi how to use a knife and how to defend himself. He was always asking him how he knew so much about those things, he didn't dare to tell him it was his only way of surviving the abuse of his biological mother and step-father, and, eventually, the orphanage he lived in until he was six as well, so he would just say that it was due to the fact that he was awesome.

At the age of eleven, Gintoki blurted it all out, and was surprised at his own actions. He hadn't told anyone that, not even Zura, who he had become friends with way before he even met Takasugi.

"My dad beats me up, my mom covers the bruises with make-up." Takasugi muttered, "Sometimes I think about fighting back, but I really don't want to die. I just get so scared, I think he's going to kill me one day."

They stood there in silence. Gintoki was shocked to the core, and hence, didn't know what to say, instead, he just asked, "Do you want strawberry milk?"

A week before Takasugi’s 12th birthday, him and his dad went to buy him a gift, and stayed up all night decorating it. It was the most expensive gift he had ever bought, he felt quite proud of it, since he had paid for half of it with his savings.

"Sugi's going to love this one, dad," Gintoki snickered, "Can't wait to see his stupid face when he opens it."

"You did good, Gintoki."

Gintoki didn't see Takasugi the next day. He wasn't on their usual spot in the playground or in their favorite ice cream place. Gintoki just assumed that he had something else to do, but felt that something was extremely off.

He brushed it off. _It's just a feeling, dummy, relax._

But he didn't see him the day after that either, and decided to come look for him directly to his house after four days of not talking to him.

The boy swallowed as he approached his residence. He had never been inside, but it always gave him a bad vibe. Plus, it was so much prettier than his house, despite them living only a few blocks away from each other. 

To his surprise, Takasugi was outside playing with a stick and a rock. It looked like golf, somehow. Gintoki chuckled at the thought.

And, boy, he felt relieved to see him in one piece, ever since he told him the truth about his parents, he had been scared shitless of him not being there one day.   
He was glad his friend was alive.

_Have I ever told him that? Ew, no, too cheesy. I like sweet stuff like bean jam and French fries dipped in hot chocolate. I should mix those two one day, we should do it together, me and–_

"Gintoki..."

He looked up and gave him a goofy smile, he raised his hand as he kept on walking towards him. " _Yo_!"

With each step, Gintoki could tell something very wrong had happened, or, maybe, was about to happen.

_It's just a feeling, dummy, relax._

Then he finally got the chance to look at him, from the bottom to the top, and his smile disappeared.

_It really isn't._

Takasugi was shivering and sniffing, which gave away that he had cried recently. He had two red marks on his neck and a bruise on his left hand. It made Gintoki feel things he didn't know he could feel towards another person; he felt sadness, worry, and the need to take care of him. And there was just something else growing from his belly towards his heart, he couldn't figure out what it was, couldn't put it together.

Gintoki finally broke the silence with a shaky breath, "Oi, Sugi–"

Takasugi took a step back and crossed his arms. Gintoki frowned.

"Don't call me like that," Takasugi muttered coldly. He seemed to be collected, despite him looking like a complete mess, "I– _You_ –"

Gintoki deepened his frown. He was confused as to why Takasugi was acting like this. Neither of them had ever been actually angry at each other.

They did it for the laughs, right? There was nothing else going on, _right_?

"You can't be here."

As he heard Takasugi say those words, Gintoki became semi-paralyzed. For a second, he couldn't move, or speak, he was frozen, Takasugi's words did that to him. He was confused and scared, it was like he was talking to a complete different person.

A person that had his face. His dark hair. His skin. His green eyes. But that expression, that wasn't him.

Gintoki shook those feelings off, anger suddenly drowning all the other emotions he was feeling. He put a hand on his hip and tilted his head. " _Huh_? What do you mean, _eh_? I just came here to see if you were doing okay, that's all."

He squinted at Takasugi, as if that would magically tell what was wrong with him. He focused on his expression, on his puffy eyes, the way he was visibly hiding his bruises.

It _had_ to do with his dad, but that was a bit obvious. There had been a fight of some sorts, maybe his mom got involved, maybe this was one of those times in which he wanted to fight back, like he always wanted to, and this was the result: a bruised face with a hopeless look painted across it.

Takasugi was openly crying now, with tears that were difficult to look at.

"You have to go, now!" He yelled at him.

Gintoki was taken aback by this, but refused to let it affect him, " _Oi_ , Sugi, what's the matter with you? You're acting like a–"

What he did next marked a before and after, even in the present day. It was the biggest crack their relationship had ever had. It was a moment that tormented his dreams and, sometimes, his waking days. He thought of it as a catalyst, a bomb he had himself set off.

It was dreadful, just a painful memory. 

Said memory consisted of Gintoki trying to hold Takasugi’s hand, and him not just rejecting him, but pushing him so hard he fell to the ground, bruising his hands, as he had used them for support. Of course, the bruises didn't hurt as much as the words the boy would later spit out, but looking at his bruised hands, seeing them bleed, and making eye contact with him made the experience even more traumatic.

Takasugi’s eyes seemed like they were bleeding as well. They were no longer green, like the grass they used to play in, but a dark, gruesome red, just pure hatred.

His eyes shook to the point of getting watery. He thought it was silly, he wasn't going to cry over this, he wasn't going to let it affect him, because this wasn't him, he was strong, and he had never needed anyone to be so. But his chest, much to his demise, told a complete different story.

Like a porcelain jar that looked as if it was difficult to break upon first glance, his chest was left with a small crack.

"Don't touch me!"

Then that crack started growing roots, and these were suddenly moving towards every single direction at an incredible pace. There was no way they could be stopped.

"Don't you ever touch me!"

And, as the jar could no longer be called one due to its several cracks, the pieces began to fall, turning it into nothing, which seemed to be, somehow, even worse.

Gintoki felt the first piece fall and desperately wanted to put it back. It was still a jar, he could glue it back together, but he needed him to do it.

He needed him.

He reached for him with one of his bruised hands, trembling with confusion. "O-oi, Sugi, what are _you_ –"

"I told you not to call me like that!"

The piece slipped from his fingers...

"...Stop acting like we're friends, I am not a good-for-nothing like you!"

...And fell to the ground, several others following it.

Gintoki took a moment, maybe even two. He closed his eyes, taking his emotions, putting them in a hole inside his heart, and locking them up.  
He stood up, cleaned his pants by whipping his hands with it, and turned around. He acted calmly despite his mind shooting up a thousand thoughts at a time. They were diverse on their content, but there was one that seemed to be the most constant.

 _What a waste. What a waste. What a waste_.

He started walking, putting his hands in his pockets and thought that was the end of it all, but a force greater than him made him pause, and look over his shoulder, straight to the ground, which still had some of his blood in it.

"Whatever."

And then he left.

That night Gintoki crawled on the carpeted floor of his bedroom, hugging his knees, looking at the box. And his emotions slipped out, so did the pieces. He fell asleep silently crying, not knowing what he was going to do afterwards.

Everything was broken.

◇◇◇

Nothing changed for the next six years or so, nothing at all. They didn't talk to each other during middle school, not even once. Gintoki felt anger towards Takasugi’s apathy, how it seemed like they had never been friends in the first place, like it didn't happen at all.

He spent a lot of time being angry at him during their childhood. The type of anger that scared him shitless.

When he graduated middle school, he cursed every god out there when he found out Takasugi and himself were going to share the same classroom in high school, but, at the same time, he wasn't surprised, they were both pretty dumb, Zura was the smart one, even Sakamoto got better grades than them.

When he saw him sitting in their homeroom on the first day of class, reading a book, he was alarmed. He hadn't seen him in what felt like years, not like this, at least. Somehow Takasugi noticed his presence and looked at him, wide-eyed.

Of course, he had to stare back, and he did so, completely numb. Yes, there was pain and anger inside him, but both of these emotions were so intense that they left him exhausted, so much that he wished he didn't care, that he felt indifference towards this human being.

He cut off their interaction by walking away and heading to his designated seat, all while maintaining a fake persona, an apathetic, almost cold persona. _It's whatever_.

Deep inside himself, he knew that was just his own weird way of coping with it, fighting apathy with apathy. He thought that if he did it, it would hurt less, and, one day, maybe, he would stop feeling this way. 

But the pain never stopped, it came like waves sometimes and like teardrops in others, but it never stopped being there.

Days with pain like tears started to be more occurring once he befriended Kagura and Shinpachi on his Junior year. He actually became really good friends with them, and was scared at the fact. 

Why? Because they did everything together; they studied together, got ice cream together, and drew penises in old text books together, they became a part of his life, and, alas, his family. Gintoki couldn't help but to love them deeply, and became afraid at the thought of all of it being gone one day, and having no idea where to put that love of his, because every single corner inside his soul was full of feelings he had hidden a long time ago. He was scared he was going to burst, just completely lose his sense of self.

Nevertheless, when there was doubt, there were also hugs, chocolate, and laughter. When there was fear, there was companionship, comprehension, and midnight conversations. He started seeing them in his future, and not just as pieces of him that would eventually fall and turn into nothing. 

Sure, he didn't trust love, not at all, he thought it was stupid. But he made the choice to trust them with it, and in return, they trusted him.

But, despite all the holes that had been filled with love and friendship, there was one that remained, one that, when acknowledged, could suddenly turn tears into cruel, angry waves. This phenomenon grew stronger on Gintoki's senior year, three months into his first term, when Takasugi showed up with an eye-patch after missing school for two weeks.

He was the talk of the class for an entire week. Gintoki couldn't stand hearing the rumors, the whispers. They were so irritating, so stupid, _so_ _wrong_.

"I talked to Takasugi today," Zura said in a low voice, about a week after Takasugi had returned.

"That so?" Gintoki asked and scratched his hair.

They were currently studying at the school library. Well, Zura was studying, he himself was _studying_ , which clearly meant reading the latest _One Park_ update in _Gintoki language_. To distract himself from the conversation, he flipped through the pages and tried to focus on the kanji and the drawings but Zura had set an alarm on and he didn't know how to turn it off.

He continued doing that and failing until he saw Zura putting his book, a real _smarty-pants_ book, down. Oh, crap, they were seriously going to do this now.

Zura hummed which made Gintoki roll his eyes and put his Shonen Jump down as well, "I just figured you should know."

"Why?" Gintoki replied, defensive and terrified of keeping this thing going. He wasn’t up for it.

"Because he was your friend, and I know you still care about him, you care about people," Zura put his hands on the table and then made eye contact with him, "You have a lot of care in your heart, Gintoki."

_Damn you, Zura. Fuck you, Zura._

"I know you're cursing at me internally, I just feel it." 

Gintoki gulped and started to shake. God, he would kick his chair and make him fall if they weren't in the library. "I am not! Don't know what you're trying to do, but it's creepy as hell, _man_!"

_What the fuck?! Is he a psychic now?!_

Zura adjusted his reading glasses. "No, I am not a psychic, I'm Katsura."

Gintoki stood up and pointed his finger at him, he was extremely freaked out by him, "Stop that! Y-you bastard! Don't _m-mess_ with me! I'm not _a-afraid_ of you!"

"Shut up, we're at the library!”

“You’re shouting as well, _you_ —"

Zura grabbed Gintoki by his forearm and dragged him down back into his chair. He then sighed and looked conflicted, which wasn't something that happened very often. Out of respect for him, Gintoki dropped his silly act, and sat straight. 

He wasn't ready for this, but it was well worth a try.

"I asked what happened to him," Zura continued, "He told me he had a car accident."

Gintoki blinked at him. He just didn't know how to feel. It was all too much all of a sudden. Too much anger. Too much pain. Too much impotence. Too much rain.

Too much.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck._

God, damn it all, he knew it was bullshit. Car accident? Fucking _bullshit_ , absolute horseshit, a bunch of fucking lies. His father had done it to him, and he could bet his soul on it.

He felt as if his blood was boiling and it was getting harder and harder to repress it. Takasugi didn't care about him, why did he feel this way about him? Why did he have to care? What was the point?

 _You have a lot of care in your heart, Gintoki_.

He stared at Zura, who was raising his eyebrows, clearly waiting for a response of some sorts. After a couple of seconds of Gintoki not saying anything, Zura cleared his throat, "I just think he needs a friend."

Gintoki frowned at his words, and gritted his teeth. He decided to cover his anger up with a yawn, "He _has_ friends, that weird-ass gang of his."

He yawned again, and was shook to the core when Zura, out of nowhere, put a hand on his shoulder. It was tight, strong, and felt honest. Gintoki gave him a look of surprise, and let out a shaky breath. An honest shaky breath.

"I meant he needs a friend like you."

Zura gripped his shoulder firmly, enough to make something snap inside him.

_Maybe he needs me too._

Once they parted ways, right outside the library, Gintoki made his way to the rooftop where Shinpachi and Kagura were waiting for him, apparently, Tae had come up with a new egg recipe and wanted them all to try it. He knew it was going to taste awful, but he wanted to do it for her. After all, that's what friends were for.

As he walked by the men's restroom, he saw a shadow coming out of it, a familiar one. Man, that was just his luck.

He could have just stood there, frozen, as he felt his chest tightening, but fought it off and continued walking. Though, as their paths crossed, he couldn't help but hold him by the shoulders, since he had stumbled against him and almost fell.

_Hey, hang on a second! God, what is this? A Shoujo manga? Don't fuck with me!_

For a split second, they looked at each other, as if both of their gazes were naked. And then, he got it, he understood; from what Zura said to why he had done the things he did. He was trapped, and there was nothing he could do about it, not even run away.

_I meant he needs a friend like you._

Gintoki swallowed, holding him in place, " _Oi_ , careful, man!"

_And now I'm talking like a Shoujo manga protagonist, what the fuck is wrong with me? Are my eyes sparkly right now or something like that?_

They continued to look at each other until Takasugi stepped back, forcing Gintoki to let him go, and hissed. He walked past him, silent and tense, Gintoki observed him as he did so, his heart beating like crazy.

 _I think I get it now, Sugi. I think I finally understand, all of it_ , his eyes met the ceiling, absorbed by his thoughts, _if you need me to be your friend, I'll be your friend._

"Gin-chan! Over here!"

He turned around to watch Kagura wave at him with her usual out-of-this-world, wide smile, "There you are, took you long enough, _lazy bum_! We have been waiting for you!"

Gintoki rolled his eyes, smiling a second after, "Fine, _fine_ , I'm coming over, kiddo."

He ran towards her, putting an arm around her shoulder. His chest didn't hurt anymore.

_Hang on tight, Sugi, from now on, I'll protect you and your soul._

◇◇◇

"Wow, _dude_ , he actually showed up! This is crazy! I didn't think it was going to work!"

Gintoki proceeded to slap Sakamoto on the face, using just the right amount of force so it wasn't really a slap. "Can you shut up for a second?! I get it, it's your house party and all of that, but, _man_ , you're so loud it's irritating! _Shut up!"_

Sakamoto offered him _a_ red solo cup filled with beer as a response. Gintoki clicked his tongue, grabbed it, and took a long sip. It was his third cup of the night already. He figured if his friends forced him to go to a party, he might as well get as drunk as humanly possible.

He heard Sakamoto press their cups together with a cheery laugh, which made him frown in confusion, "Cheers!", he shouted to then get closer to Gintoki and whisper, "Look behind you."

Sakamoto slid his shades down to wink at him, Gintoki's frown deepened. He ended up turning around after finishing his cup and sighing. When he saw him, drink in hand, talking to that blondie of his weird-ass group, he felt as if a thunder had just struck him dead, but no, he was very much alive, and kind of paranoid.

" _What the fuck_?!" he whispered exasperated to Sakamoto, and shook his shoulders.

Sakamoto bursted out laughing. "I invited him! Hahaha! I didn't know he was _actually_ going to show up!"

He wanted to punch him straight to mars, but he was too focused on the fact that something smelled fishy about this entire situation. Gintoki got closer to Sakamoto, trying to convey an intimidating face. He was about to blow this thing wide open.

"Didn't know, _huh_?! That's it, Tatsuma?! You sure you didn't plan this with Zura?! _Huh_?!"

Sakamoto laughed nervously and raised his hands, looking defensive. " _Hahaha_! No need to get violent, Kin–"

He grabbed him by the hair and hissed, Sakamoto didn't stop laughing. Damn it all. _Fuck them_. They just couldn't keep their nose away from his own personal, private business, could they?!

"Gintoki."

As his ears caught the sound of his named being pronounced, he looked over his shoulder and let Sakamoto's head go. 

It was Zura, and he had his typical serious-business pose; arms crossed and a pout. Gintoki sighed and scratched his hair. He knew exactly where this was going. And yet he still, just because, asked him, "What?"

Zura closed his eyes for a moment and opened them again to continue staring at him, "You know what to do."

His friend pointed at Takasugi stepping out of the house. Gintoki's glance diverged from him to that blonde chick's face. She looked sad, and something else. For some reason, he could tell _exactly_ what she was feeling just by taking a quick glance at her, maybe it was because he knew that feeling far too well, because he had lived it ever since he met him, that _something else_ , even if he still didn't know how to label it.

His eyebrows curved and he face-palmed. He was blushing really hard. He had to do it, even if he felt like he wasn't ready. He had been avoiding it for far too long. This was it.

" _Uuuuuuuuuuuuugh_ , fuck you, guys! _Fuck you_!" He shouted loudly, and he could hear Sakamoto snickering, that little shit, "What am I even supposed to say?!"

Zura looked at the ceiling for a second and smiled, "Use your _Gintoki charm_!"

" _Huh_?! I don’t even know what that is!"

Before he could explain, they were interrupted by Sakamoto clearing his throat. He turned his attention to him, who was now staring outside through the blinds. "Looks like he went out for a smoke!" He looked at Gintoki and smiled, "Hand him a lighter, _will ya_?"

Gintoki groaned and closed his eyes, and was forced to open them when something hit him in the face and fell to one of his hands. " _Oi_!"

He blinked at the object. A black lighter. _Fuck_.

"Gintoki, _do it_."

Sighing, Gintoki put the lighter inside his pocket and began walking towards the door. "I hate you guys _so_ much, I hope you get ran over by a train!"

"Do your best, Kintoki!" He heard Sakamoto yell, though it didn't seem as loud when he closed the door behind him.

And five hours later, he was kissing Takasugi passionately, not knowing exactly how to stop. He didn't know why he was doing it, all he knew is that it made sense. He felt a strong sense of need as he felt his body against his own, like he had to continue, and go further, otherwise, these broken pieces of his would never go back where they belonged.

_Moron! Horny moron! Oi! This isn't what Zura meant when he said that thing about being friends with him! Keep it in your pants! Hey, are you listening?!_

He really, really wasn't. And his internal voice disappeared completely when he heard Takasugi moan his name. He completely lost it then. To hell with all of it, it was too late to stop anyway, and he wasn't going to either. 

It was like morphine, straight into his soul, and it never seemed to be enough, but it eased his pain just a bit. He guessed that maybe that was the reason as to why he couldn't stop, he was afraid that if he did, the pain would go back and stay there forever.

Gintoki needed this peace, this relief for just a little longer. 

Just for a little bit.

He started unbuttoning his shirt and kissing his skin. Their past moments played like echoes inside his head.

_Don't touch me!_

...he licked his skin, sucked it ever so tenderly...

_Don't you ever touch me!_

He breathed against it, taking it all in. He needed him, and he had just realized that Takasugi might need him just as much.

 _For how long, Sugi,_ he thought as he put his lips against his own once again, _for how long have you needed me this way?_

They paused to look at each other, both gasping and blushing. They both laughed, and continued kissing. He didn't want to stop, touching him didn't feel like a mistake, what he was feeling right now, it was a good feeling, a damn good feeling.

He got it. this wasn't morphine, It was just a perfect thing he didn't know he could have had if he had just reached out sooner. It was their perfect thing.

And his theory was proven to be right when his dad showed up. As Gintoki put his shirt back on, he could feel many emotions; from embarrassment to panic, but his chest didn't hurt, there was not a drop of pain inside him. _Huh_.

The sea was ever so still, and Gintoki just sighed and enjoyed the view.

◇◇◇

Next Monday, Gintoki walked into the classroom, greeting Sarutobi and Zenzou before spotting Takasugi on his seat, reading. He put his randoseru backpack on the floor before dragging a chair and sitting in front of him.

Takasugi looked up. He looked shocked and almost dropped his book. Gintoki grabbed it before it could hit the floor and handed it back to him.

" _Yo_ ," He sighed as he spared him a glance.

Takasugi blinked at him, "Hey."

Gintoki rested his chin on his palms, after all, he was still very sleepy, "How was your weekend?"

"Uh," Takasugi scratched his cheek and frowned, "It was same old, I guess."

He offered him a teasing smile, "No hangover?"

Takasugi scoffed and opened his book again, "As if."

He couldn't stop smiling even though he tried really hard to before finally giving up, he felt like he was going to have a stomach ache very soon.

Suddenly, the classroom went quiet, a look around it made him realize that some of their classmates were staring at them. Gintoki swallowed, feeling hot all of a sudden. This wasn’t helping at all.

_Do I look like a school girl with a crush right now? Do people think I'm trying to seduce the Mysterious Takasugi-kun? Oh god, if I were a girl, would I pick a guy like him in a Dating Sim?_

He wondered if it really happened; the kissing, the hugging, and the touching. Maybe it had been a wet dream, a really vivid wet dream. It had happened before with Ketsuno Ana, he dreamed about her making him a strawberry cake, and, for some reason, that turned him on.

But he liked Ketsuno Ana, he had posters of her in his bedroom and dreamed about marrying her when he was in middle school, but why the fuck would he dream about doing dirty stuff with Takasugi? And why did he enjoy that dream way too much?

Was he...?

"Hahaha, _no_ , that's just stupid." Gintoki whispered, covering his face with both hands.

"What?" He heard Takasugi ask, he sounded genuinely confused.

Gintoki's eyes opened as much as they actually could. _Fuck! You said that out loud, you fucking moron!_

He tried to cover it up by doing a nervous hand gesture. "What? I didn't say anything!"

Takasugi squinted at him and then went back to his book, "Weirdo," he sighed, flipping over a page, "I bet you got one."

"A what?"

"A hangover", Takasugi replied.

His awkwardness suddenly vanished and was replaced with a childish attitude and a cheeky smile, "Come on, Takasugi-kun! I'm immune to those kind of things! Or did ya think you finally beat me at something? _That it_?"

Takasugi glared at him and he just continued smiling. He was enjoying himself.

"I bet I could beat you now," Takasugi stated, using a low voice, "You look rusty."

"And you don't?" Gintoki asked, fully aware of how flirtatious he sounded. He knew he should probably stop, he didn't want him to get the wrong idea, even if that wrong idea was starting to feel like a good idea.

When Takasugi raised an eyebrow, he felt a rush of pain straight to his stomach. He made him feel flustered, that runt bastard.

"Are you challenging me, Gintoki?"

Just as that question slipped out of Takasugi’s lips, the school bell rang. Oh, timing always seemed to be out to get him.

_This is fucking ridiculous, is the school bell cockblocking me now?! Also, who the hell invented the word ‘cockblocking’?! it's stupid, I don't like it!_

Gintoki yawned, a little trick to cover up his shame, and grabbed his backpack. As the students walked in, he put a hand on Takasugi’s desk, and looked at him.

"So what if I am?" He muttered, "Maybe we could go at it during the holidays, I'm not going to lose to you."

He walked away casually, completely freaking out on the inside. 

_Woah, woah! I just sounded really cool! I bet he thought I sounded cool as well! Oh crap, I fucking nailed it! I did it! I'm officially back to being awesome!_

After school, he found Takasugi whilst walking back home. He caught up to him, kicking him in the ankle.

"Hey!" Takasugi hissed at him. 

He just laughed mockingly, covering his mouth with his knuckle. Takasugi pushed him and walked faster. Gintoki didn't feel attacked, he knew from the way he touched him that it was all play.

He hurried up and matched his steps. " _Damn_ , almost got you!" 

"Try harder next time."

"Will do," A grin formed on his lips, and his stomach grew tense due to his excitement, "You walking home?"

Takasugi seemed to be fuming, it was a good look on him, "What else would I be doing?!"

They stayed silent, though sometimes Gintoki whistled to make things feel less uncomfortable. Once they reached the street in which their paths separated, he grabbed Takasugi's wrist.

"I know what you're going to say," Gintoki breathed out and swallowed, "So, _save it_ , let me walk you home."

Gintoki didn't let go of him until he pulled his hand away from him, gently. Takasugi looked down for a while, his head low enough so his face couldn't be seen clearly.

"Okay." He uttered, and they continued walking on silence.

 _Fuck, this is definitely a Shoujo manga now. There's no going back now. Fuck it all, roll the intro_.

Gintoki gave up right about halfway through their walk to Takasugi's house, he just couldn't deal with the tension-filled atmosphere anymore, it made him sick to his stomach. He cleared his throat several times to catch his attention and fixed his collar. His hands were fidgeting.

"Ya know, _uhm_ ," Gintoki mentioned and stopped for a bit, as he didn't want to embarrass himself by stuttering, after he breathed in and out, he added, "That thing I told you this morning?"

Takasugi gave him a quick look but didn't say anything. Since he kept on being quiet, Gintoki took the chance to elaborate his thoughts.

"I mean...if _you_ – if you want to come over to my place and–"

_Say something quick, idiot! This sounds really bad!_

"–Beat the crap out of each other, you're more than welcome to do so, ya know."

_Woah, nice save, me!_

When he glanced at Takasugi he already had his eyes on him. They stopped walking for a second, while the eye contact remained.

"I would love to beat the crap out of you," Takasugi commented, and seemed very serious about it.

Gintoki stepped closer to him and regretted it almost instantly but didn't pull away. He tilted his head towards him and smiled, "Then, it's a deal."

He looked at his lips and that's when he decided to take a step back, or rather, several steps back. It was like someone had thrown him a bucket filled with cold water.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Who did this?! Was it you, God?! Care to explain what the fuck is happening to me, God?! No birds and no bees, the situation doesn't fit it! God, hello?! Answer me, bastard!_

"Oi, _idiot_."

He turned around slowly, his frightened expression unchanging. As he looked at Takasugi's direction, he let out a nervous laugh. 

_There is something wrong with me._

Takasugi tapped his foot against the ground, "Hurry up, or I'm leaving without you."

Gintoki wished he could slap himself silly. Maybe that would help him get a hold of himself. Though right now all he had was this, his own guts and will. He thought he could sink into his crisis once he got back home, he just had to hold on a bit longer; this wasn't about him, it was about Takasugi, it was about him feeling safe.

_I'm going to protect him and his soul. Remember, that's what you have to do. Weird feelings be damned._

"But I'm walking you home, _Takasugi-kun_!" Gintoki said at last, following him with quick steps, "Ain't it romantic?"

Takasugi was clearly annoyed yet flustered, Gintoki thought it was a sight to behold, "Is my foot up your ass romantic as well?"

"I mean, I'm not judging if you're into that kind of stuff, whatever gets you off, man."

He put his hands behind his head and looked up. He could get used to this, this was nice. Being able to talk to him was nice. Finally understanding him was nice. 

"One of these days, I'm going to kill you and I'm going to make it look like an accident."

Gintoki gave him a funny look, "Not if I kill you first."

It was just like the old days. Death threats and all. It was all very, well, nice, for lack of a better word, it was just the kind of thing he liked. Just his kind of thing.

As they reached his house, Gintoki stopped, creating some distance between them. He wished he could get him out of there, and made a commitment that, one day, he would.

Takasugi looked at him. He seemed to be okay, and was actually smiling. It wasn't a wide smile or anything, but he could work with it.

"See you around, Gintoki," He told him, and it sounded like a promise.

Gintoki beamed, feeling at ease, " _Yep_ ," he replied, "See you tomorrow, Sugi."

Once he turned around to make his way back home, he felt something strange. Takasugi hadn't said anything about that nickname, which gave away that maybe, just maybe, they were going to be okay.

He looked over his shoulder and smiled again. He watched him walk away, knowing for a fact that he would get to do this again if he wanted to.

Gintoki had finally found the glue, all he had to do now was put the pieces back together. Thankfully, he wasn't going to do it alone.

◇◇◇

After several attempts to convince Takasugi to drop by his house, Gintoki could finally call himself a winner. His victory came during the second week of their summer holiday, in which the boy just sighed in the middle of one of their phone calls and told him to have it his way.

It wasn't a genuine win, Gintoki figured, but it was good enough for him. It meant he had the opportunity to get him out of there, at last, how he got Takasugi to agree to it didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, didn't matter at all.

They walked silently from Takasugi's house to his. It was a short trip, so Gintoki tried to make the best out of it. He looked for any bruises in the uncovered bits of his skin, and focused on his face. Nothing out of the ordinary, except for the tension that seemed to be building up in his forehead, he came to the conclusion that that was just Takasugi's reaction whenever he was near him.

Gintoki almost jumped when Takasugi glanced at him. Thankfully, he kept his cool and flinched just a bit.

Takasugi side-eyed him, blinking continuously, "Quit staring at me."

Since he was a masochist, or just a fucking idiot, he moved his face closer to him, not breaking eye contact. He pretended to be deeply focused, "It's just that..."

His green-eyed friend frowned and pushed his forehead against his. It would have made Gintoki gulp if it wasn't for the fact that he was determined and really into it.

" _What_?" Takasugi finally asked, his tone low, raspy, and slightly annoyed.

"You have a booger on your left nostril."

He then pointed at his own left nostril as if to guide him. Instead of a thank you, he got his ass kicked, and honestly, he would not have had it any other way.

They remained quiet for the rest of their trip and even as they stepped into his house, which is the reason why he was so startled when Takasugi punched him in the face as soon as the door clicked shut. It wasn't a playful punch like the ones they used to exchange when they were kids, it was genuine, which absolutely terrified him.

Gintoki fell against the floor with a thud, confused. He touched his nose and noticed it had started bleeding. He shook whatever negative thoughts flying to his head to look at him.

"Hey, _what the fuck_?!" He yelled with a high-pitched voice.

As his eyes met Takasugi’s he felt a wave of shock immobilize his body. Takasugi was gasping, and seemed to be shocked as well, like he couldn't understand why he did that, and his eyes, fuck, his eyes looked as if they were in a war against the raging red, as if they wished desperately to remain green forever.

Takasugi let out a soft, bewildered whimper, "Gintoki, I– _I'm_ –"

Gintoki put his hand under his nose and let the blood cover it. He stood up and chuckled. He understood how Takasugi was feeling and felt relieved because of it, he was tired of misunderstandings, he just wanted to help him, so the pain wasn't half bad, not when it was about him.

"Oh, _come on_ ," Gintoki smiled at him, not minding the blood falling from his nose and landing on the floor with a splash, "This is nothing but a scratch, come at me harder."

He made a hand gesture, inciting him to come his way. That’s why they were here for, they both had made a promise. He felt like they were children again, like a part of his soul that had been dead for so long suddenly came back to life. He couldn't help but smile.

"Show me what you're made of!"

Takasugi glanced at him, his eyes wide open. Gintoki gave him time to assimilate the situation, and stayed still. When he sensed that he had snapped out of it, he put on a fighting pose, ready to attack and be attacked.

He came running towards Gintoki with a groan, and tried to punch him again but failed. Gintoki held his knuckle with a firm grip and made eye contact with him. Takasugi clicked his tongue angrily as he attempted to set his fist free from his hands.

He proceeded to walk, still not letting Takasugi’s fist go, and, as a response, the boy gasped and stepped back several times in an almost clumsy fashion but managed to find balance and retaliated, pushing his body against his. This act had become difficult to pull off, Gintoki thought, since his opponent was putting on a fight, yet he couldn't withdraw, he was determined into pushing forward until both of them collapsed.

Takasugi's back was about to meet the entrance door when he, out of the blue, tripped up Gintoki using his ankle and foot. And all Gintoki could think at the precise moment in which he began to stumble was how amazing it had been.

This time he fell on his butt and groaned, and, before he got the chance to make a move or even plan a counterattack, Takasugi was sitting on his lap, panting. Gintoki was aghast at this, and trembled involuntarily as their bodies were now extremely close.

He got to stop Takasugi’s fist before it his face by clenching it, using both of his hands. He gazed at him, dropping that deadpanned expression of his as his eyebrows curved, it was getting harder and harder to keep up with him.

Takasugi was a storm, a complete chaos that seemed to be set out to rip him apart. Gintoki could feel his fury, but he was not scared of it, or him. He could feel the pain behind his rage, the tears turning into sweat drops against his skin. He wanted to take it in, that angry beast that was laying against him, take its anger and pain and make it his own, because he recognized it, and that green eye.

It was him.

Their eyes connected and that seemed to have led to both parties calming down. Gintoki intertwined his hand with Takasugi’s as the latter's let loose, and they just laid there on the floor, catching their breath, neither of them breaking eye contact.

He could kiss him, he really could. He was kind of scared by it all, not by his current expression, which was unreadable, but by how much he wanted to links their lips together, and how easy it would be to do so.

_I need you to tell me, Sugi, tell me, was it all a dream? Am I making things up? Can’t you feel them? The things I’m feeling right now, are you feeling them as well? Or am I just an idiot?_

Takasugi’s hand was sweaty, but that didn't bother him a bit, he gripped it tight and felt as the boy added pressure into the touch as well. Gintoki squinted at him and felt his cheeks turn hot. His green eye, those black locks and how soft they seemed to be, that smooth skin of his, ever so white.

He was beautiful, how come he had never realized that until now?

His expression tendered as he felt sweat drops against his cheeks, falling like tears. They had been looking at each other for a while now but not a single word had been pronounced yet, and he just let the silence take over. He had no idea what to say. There were thousands of thoughts inside his head, all running through it like crazy villagers in a middle of a crisis.

 _Put a hand on his waist! No, no, make a dumb remark! Fuck it, just kiss him! You want to kiss him, right? Just do it! Do it now, regret it later, follow the men's code! Wait, has the strawberry milk in the freezer expired? Maybe I could just_ –

Gintoki shifted his legs, planning to tell Takasugi he was suddenly craving a glass of strawberry milk just to get out of that awkward pose he was currently holding. But, when he did, he felt Takasugi’s butt against his crotch and it did things to him, things he hated. He started to blush.

_Oi, Oi! Don't move your legs like that! Stop! Don't get horny! Not allowed to get horny! Why am I even saying this? you're going to get horny anyway, dumbass! No, hey, hey, you know who's dumb? Sugi's dumb, he's so dumb, his hair is so annoying and his eyes are stupid! what an oaf!_

Gintoki blinked at him, his cheeks still red. He finally let go of his hand and subtly wiped the sweat with his shirt. He cleared his throat as Takasugi put a hand on his chest. He was done for, and suddenly extremely turned on.

_Kiss him!_

He laughed awkwardly and swallowed, and tried to calm down while trying to raise his hand to cup Takasugi’s face, but stopped himself. What was he even doing?

_Hahaha, no way! No! That's just your standard BL first chapter bullshit, my life is a Shonen, I'm a tough guy! I just have to get a talking animal! Hell, Tatsuma will do the trick-!_

"...Gintoki."

He raised his eyebrows at him and stayed still. He was terrified of moving even just a bit, he felt that if he did something as mundane as lifting a finger he would ruin everything and they'd go back to not talking to each other, this time out of embarrassment.

Gintoki saw as Takasugi left his lap, stood up and dusted his hands. He seemed to be willfully avoiding eye contact, which confirmed that the situation could have gone, and almost went, to a point neither of them were ready to face. 

_Maybe it wasn't a dream, maybe we really…_

He started to blush and covered his mouth with the palm of his hand, as if that would help him somehow. The bit he never really understood was suddenly coming to light, and it blinded him to the point of not being able to feel anything else but overwhelmed.

"Maybe we should...", Takasugi added to his past statement.

They looked at each other and, at last, Gintoki came to terms with what he was feeling, with what he always felt but couldn't quite put his finger on, due to ignorance or just out of reluctance. Despite being shaken by it all, he stood up, awkwardly so, and scratched his neck, and the rest of his body became hot along with it.

"...Fight with sticks next time." Gintoki finished Takasugi's sentence, hiding his face from him as subtly as he could. His face could easily be used as a frying pan since it was burning with the intensity of a thousand extremely embarrassed suns.

_Congrats, God, I know you were behind this homo crisis of mine, well, guess what! I have it really bad for this guy! Are you happy now? Do you get off from watching me freak out, God? Don't even bother answering! I'm an atheist now, fuck you!_

Takasugi cleared his throat, "Yeah..."

He felt a hand touch his shoulder amongst the silence that had been created, and looked as Takasugi put a tissue against the half-dried blood under his nose. He became wide-eyed and blushed even more.

"Sorry...for hitting you..." Takasugi suddenly whispered, like the words he was muttering were part of a shared secret between the two of them, "I guess punching you is something I'm used to do. You have a very punchable face."

Gintoki stood there, just staring at him, and then snickered, raising his hand to caress the one Takasugi was pressing against his mouth. His fingers made their way towards the tissue so he could press it himself. Takasugi lowered his hand and took a step back, his eyes focused on the floor.

He looked over his shoulder to mask his tizzy state, quite half-assedly so, "I told you, this is nothing", he sighed, " _Hell_ , I didn't even get a chance to punch you back, you bastard."

Takasugi hummed in what seemed to be satisfaction, and put his hands inside his pockets. "I win, then."

Gintoki clicked his tongue. His chest was burning. It didn't hurt, it was just the epicenter of a raging fire, and he didn't care if he couldn't control it. It burned, and it felt like that one feeling he had been missing for a very long time.

"This isn't over, I'm gonna kick your ass next time," Gintoki pointed a finger at him, still blushing, "You better prepare your ass, I'm gonna kick it so hard you'll end up in Pluto! You just got lucky, you runt!"

His entire body was flushed, and the fire just spread, and beamed deeper as he heard him burst into laughter. He squinted, and his hands began to shake. What a beautiful sight this was.

It was yearning, what he had always felt for him. It was pure and utter _yearning_.

" _Deal_." He caught him say, and the fire burned so much, that the only thing he could do was fall.

◇◇◇

The second time their lips touched was late at night, on Takasugi's 18th birthday. Much like the previous time, it didn't last very long and it just made his head feel foggy and confused, even more so than before. And, while touching him, and all the other, huh, stuff, he realized something, a thing that made his heart sink.

He didn't have excuses this time around, no way of brushing this off as just a thing teenagers did when they were horny. He was now to-the-hilt conscious of how he felt about him. He wasn't kissing him because he was turned on, or because he was a bit drunk, he was kissing him because he wanted him, badly.

Thankfully, the encounter was done way before he let himself wholly succumb into internal panic, and Takasugi didn't look like he regretted his rushed decision, so Gintoki just thought, _fuck it, we don't have to talk about it, there's nothing to talk about here, not really._

As he cleaned Takasugi's eye, reason as to why they didn't go further, a fact that ticked him off and made him tremble, he felt his body heating up. He had gotten used to it, to having him close, and the consequences it may lead to. They gazed at each other amidst the awkward procedure and he ended getting freaked out by it, silently so.

It felt too intimate, even brushing his finger against his cheek on accident, or hearing him sigh in relief, it was too much, the longing he felt for him. Plus, the look Takasugi was giving him wasn't helping at all. It was as if he hadn't looked at anyone quite this way, like it was a look he had just for him.

And, he was so fucking beautiful. So, so beautiful.

After patching him up with cotton and masking tape, both of them cuddled on his bed and tried to sleep, failing miserably, but that went without saying.

Takasugi was resting his head against his chest, his hand near his neck. Gintoki couldn't stop staring at him, but made the effort to try and not be to obvious. He tried to relax and enjoy having him this way, being fully aware that this might not even happen again, that Takasugi was just feeling weak and needed comfort, to feel someone else's body.

It made him sad, to think about how Takasugi needed someone, and not him in particular. It hurt because Gintoki just needed him, and didn't want to need anyone else. He would love to somehow leave his body and beat himself up for having such stupid feelings, but he couldn’t hate himself for it, he just couldn’t. _How_ could he do that? How could he despise himself for being human? Would he have the guts to tell that blonde chick that having feelings for Takasugi was stupid, and useless, since he clearly didn’t reciprocate? That she should feel bad, something worse than bad?

He just couldn’t bring himself to do it, not even if it was in a hypothetical scenario, where he could do anything, like having flamingo legs or the last _One Park_ issue. So, instead of analyzing his thoughts a thousand times over, he tried to shut his brain off for a little bit, just before he started to shake and scratch the sheets nervously, he knew himself well enough to know these things had been really close to happening before his mind went blank.

It was hard, but he figured he had to try and be kind to himself. There was a first time for everything, right?

Neither of them had said anything for an hour or so, but he was dead sure Takasugi was still awake. He wanted to talk to him, about anything, he felt like this was a one in a lifetime moment, and could already sense as it was disappearing. He guessed this feeling was due to the fact that the only bit of his brain that was somehow working was the one filled with thoughts about him, and just accepted it, he didn’t have a choice anyway.

Gintoki finally worked up the courage to pat him on the shoulder a few seconds later. The boy immediately opened his eye and looked at him. He cleared his throat, his hands fidgeting, "Hey, you awake?"

Takasugi chuckled and continued to stare at him, "My eye is open, isn't it?", he then shifted and laid next to him, stealing some of the covers.

"Well," he replied as he scratched his hair, "That doesn't mean you're awake, what about Zura, _huh_? That weirdo sleeps with his eyes open, remember?"

His green-eyed friend openly laughed this time around. Gintoki blushed and squinted his eyes at him. He had a beautiful laugh. _Damn it_.

"Wow, I forgot about that," Takasugi covered his mouth, pausing until his laughter died out, "Oi, remember that sleepover we had eight years ago? And we thought he was dead and actually started planning his funeral?"

Gintoki bursted out in giggles. "Oh yeah! We made a promise that we'd bring Obama to Japan, didn't we? We even wrote a rap-like eulogy."

Takasugi started laughing again, "Very Zura, if you ask me, pretty sure he would have loved it."

"Yeah, I wish he was dead, just so I could meet Obama-san."

He heard the other hum in agreement. "Maybe we should kill Zura and follow our plan."

His face was hot from all the laughter, as well as the rest of his body. The conversation made him feel at ease and stop overthinking. Maybe this was enough for now, the fact that he just needed him for now. It was okay.

"Yeah, we should," he smiled softly and side-eyed him as he paused for a moment.

_Alright, here we go, Gin-san, step up, swallow your bat-shaped anxieties and bury them deep inside the cave that is your heart, and just get on with it! This is the moment! Come on!_

Gintoki exhaled, and nodded to himself, "Can I– hey, Sugi, can I ask you something?"

Takasugi returned his gaze, and, during the time it took him to answer his question, Gintoki analyzed if it was actually a good idea to ask in the first place.

Finally the other closed his eye and sighed, "Shoot."

"I'd love to shoot you, trust me."

He was pushed for the seventh time that night and, yes, he was counting, no big deal or anything. He wasn't really bothered by it, it was playful and, frankly, he had it coming.

Gintoki gulped, he was nervous but didn't externally show it. He swallowed again and almost bit his tongue, "How did it happen?"

He felt it, the way Takasugi froze, and he knew he had messed up. He had even felt it way before it actually happened. His breath rushed as he cleared his throat, "Sorry, sorry, I–" He took a beat to gather his thoughts, "I shouldn't have asked. You don't owe me any explanations. Forget about it, I'm sorry."

Takasugi shifted and pressed the back of his head against the pillow they were sharing. Gintoki looked at him, noticing how his eye seemed to be lost in the ceiling. He was teary-eyed. It broke his heart.

"It's okay, dumbo. It's okay. I'm the one who should be apologizing. I never really apologized, those things I said to you, I never said anything, huh, I'm a real piece of shit, aren't I?"

Gintoki turned around, his back touching the wall. He glanced at him, and furrowed his eyebrows. He was so weak for him, "No, no, _hey_ , don't say that, I get it."

He went ahead and held his hand. Then he internally patted himself in the back for doing it. Of all the times he didn't touch him and wanted to, he was just glad he had the courage to do it now. He needed it, badly, and felt like maybe he needed it too.

Takasugi squeezed his hand tightly. There was a pause, one that made Gintoki look from his hands straight to his face. He was crying. Takasugi was crying.

"You don't get it. I hated myself. I hated myself so much I wanted to die. Nothing made sense, everything was– everything was hanging loose in the air and nothing felt real anymore. Everything sucked. I was in so much pain, I was so fucking angry all the time, _I_ –"

Takasugi whimpered, his voice breaking, and then he started laughing through the tears. Gintoki didn't let go of his hand, he added a bit of pressure to let him know he was listening and that he understood. They needed this as well, he thought.

“He was beating the crap out of her. I watched, and then tried to stop it. He hit my head against the table and stabbed my eye with the fork I had been eating my dinner with. He did it about four times. I blacked out. I—could only hear my mom screaming. That was it. I _couldn’t_ – couldn’t even go to the hospital because we were both so scared. My mom stitched me up. I spent the next two weeks angry beyond words, feeling impotent and… _just_ …wanting to be dead.”

This time it was Gintoki who froze. He felt the dread coming to his stomach, it made him want to throw up. But he brushed it off. This wasn’t about him. So he just sat there, quiet, and swallowed.

The silence prolonged until he heard him sigh between his sobs, "Gintoki, I have been unhappy for so long, and then you come into my life again, and everything is fine for the first time in fuck knows," he sobbed again and shook his head, as if he were overwhelmed, "I forgot what a good life was. You… _dumbass_ , you gave me that again, just like that, like it was nothing, and, despite everything, all the things I said to you, you're here. I hurt you, I know I did. I never apologized. Gintoki, I'm so sorry."

As he took it all in, he raised his free hand and cupped his face with it. "Don't cry, it's okay. Please, don't cry, or I’ll end up crying with you. You know it’s not your fault, none of it is."

"Gintoki..."

He continued caressing his cheeks, wiping his tears off, "You broke me, yeah, of course you did. I didn’t even realize I’d given you that power. I had never experienced that before…"

He chuckled and shifted again.

“…That feeling you get when you're broken and you have no clue how to not feel that way, it doesn’t matter, buddy–", Gintoki sighed and let him go, he put his hands behind his head and simply smiled, "Those broken pieces of mine, I put them back a long time ago."

His eyes met his once again. He continued smiling as warmly as he could, "It doesn't hurt. This soul of mine, it doesn't hurt when I'm with you and it hasn't hurt in a very long time. Everything is fine. You’re fine, and you’re not him. You’re Sugi. Got it? I don’t want you to feel that way ever again. You’re better, _so_ much better."

Takasugi frowned then returned the smile, it was just his typical smile, with the corners of his mouth curving ever so slightly. But it was enough for him.

Gintoki touched his shoulder fondly. "Come here, Sugi, _come here_."

He took no time jumping into his arms. Gintoki held him tightly, breathing into his neck. All the love he had for him was bleeding out, and he had no idea what to do except for this.

He heard him sob again, and felt as he grabbed him by the hair, "I'm sorry."

Gintoki kissed the bit where his cheek met his ear quickly. Then he did it again. And again, and _again_.

"It’s okay, dummy, everything is okay now, you don’t have to worry anymore."

Takasugi was already sitting on top of him when they broke the hug, and looked at each other. Gintoki put his hands on his waist, looked down and then at him again. Takasugi whimpered, put his hands on his face and kissed him feverishly.

They didn't talk at all. Not even when Takasugi guided his hands to take his shirt off. Or when he encouraged Gintoki to do the same. They spoke through glances, touches, and moans. 

It was only when Gintoki had put a hand under his belly button tentatively and slowly going down, asking silently for his consent, that Takasugi breathed against his mouth and said, "Touch me, do it, Gintoki, _touch me_ …”

And he did. He slid his hand under his boxers and felt him for the first time, hot and hard, and started moving his hand up and down against him.

If he wasn't such a stubborn coward, he would tell him that he loved him, that he always loved him. He would tell him how beautiful he was, how he drove him crazy, and how he could have him for an eternity and it still would never be enough.

◇◇◇

It had been exactly six minutes and thirty one seconds since Takasugi had stepped into his house to grab some clothes and stuff he considered to be important, and, by the time Gintoki finished the thought, nine seconds had already passed. _Damn, where does the time go?_

It was awfully quiet, it scared him. He wasn't worried about the streets not having any people in them, it was early after all, it was Takasugi's house he was worried about.

He wished he had some kind of superpower, like super-hearing or something like that. He would jump straight into a dumpster filled with radioactive chemicals if it meant he could hear whatever was going on behind that wooden door. Was there a superhero with those type of awesome abilities? Maybe, he can't remember.

But, to hell with it. He needed to keep his cool, and his Vespa running. In a couple of minutes, they both would be out of there in one piece, and without looking back, hopefully.

His heart skipped a beat the moment he heard something break. He started running towards the house and reached the half-opened door, and stopped himself from opening it. His knees were shaking and he was terrified, but he was ready to exchange some fists with, and beat Takasugi's old man to a pulp. He had been meaning to do that for a while.

Gintoki readied himself, his hands turned into shaky fists. He breathed in patterns and just waited for the right moment to break in.

Of course, said moment never came to be since he paralyzed on the spot once he heard Takasugi's dad shouting, right behind that door. Gintoki pressed his ear against it and closed his eyes. He was just so angry he figured he couldn't stand it for long.

His ears focused on trying to make sense of what was being shouted. It was the only thing he could do for now.

"Why are you hanging out with that good-for-nothing again, huh?!" 

That was the first thing he heard clearly, and it made him gulp. He had heard that before almost seven years ago, from Takasugi's mouth. As he thought about him, he heard a chuckle that was obviously his. He smiled softly and almost sighed.

 _He's okay, Sugi's okay, enough to laugh at least_.

Gintoki continued to press his ear against the door and tried his best to stay quiet. The chuckling ceased and he froze again.

He heard him sigh, "That good-for-nothing you speak of, _I’m_..."

With his forehead right against the door, as a way to help him stay focused, Gintoki listened to Takasugi finishing his sentence.

"... _in love with him_."

([x](https://imgur.com/Evb1mEW))

His first reflex was to step back and look down. His second one was to frown. And the third one, fuck, the third one wasn't even his own, it was just his throat creating a million knots at a time against his will. He found himself having trouble to breathe, and his face was as hot as ever. He felt like running, but, just like before, his knees felt like jelly.

Apparently the conversation, or whatever the hell that was, wasn't over. Gintoki gripped his shirt anxiously and walked towards the door once again.

 _Okay, buddy, be a man. Do it for him_.

He prepared and resumed his old position. His lips were trembling.

"... _ggot_ son! You think he'll love you?! You're poison, you're _scum_ , just like your father! Stupid!"

His ears caught the sound of something breaking again. He figured it was a glass. It scared the hell out of him.

Things were quiet for a few seconds and he knew that Takasugi was crying. It was so silent but he recognized it so well. He wanted to go there so bad, nevertheless he knew it wasn’t his place. This wasn’t his fight. He knew this yet almost went there, just out of pure reflex and the need to protect him, but was stopped when he heard Takasugi sigh once more. And then he said, without hesitating:

"I have no father."

Gintoki heard steps that gradually became louder, which made him step away instantly. And, just a second later, there he was, with puffy eyes and a backpack hanging from his shoulders.

They looked at each other for a couple of seconds, ever so quiet, and the only thing that Gintoki could hear was the motor running and his own heartbeat.

Before he could say anything, not that he was going to, Takasugi put a hand on his shoulder, and shivered, "Let's go home."

Gintoki pouted at him, confused, raised his hand to meet his, and gripped it.

"Yep."

They walked away from the porch towards the street and that's when Takasugi collapsed and laid on it with his back against a brick wall. He hugged his knees and hid his face between them.

"I can't win, I can _never_ win." He sobbed quietly, and let out a groan.

Gintoki had never seen him this angry, but he wasn’t scared by it. He approached the spot where he was sitting, and rested next to him. He didn't say anything, he knew he wasn't done talking.

"...Even after everything, I still am a coward," Takasugi grunted and scratched his hair, his nails digging his scalp, it was awful to see, "Why is it like that, Gintoki? Why can't I fight back?"

Gintoki glanced at him and caressed his knee, "Sugi," he breathed out, " _Oi_ , Sugi, look at me."

Takasugi took way longer than usual following his instructions but once he did, he seemed to calm down enough to let go of his hair.

"You just did, and you did so splendidly, you got that?" Gintoki got closer to him, gave him a loving gaze, and brushed the back of his index finger against one of his cheeks, "Leave the people that hurt you behind, forget about them, focus on protecting your soul and the people you care about. It's what fighters do, you're a fighter. I, _uh_ , I deeply admire you for that. I always have.”

He scratched his hair, flustered, and stayed still. He could sense Takasugi staring at him even though his eyes were now on the grass and small flowers that were growing out the pavement cracks.

At last, he cooled down and continued, “And you don’t have to come back here, or prove anything to him, he’s not worth it, if you’re going to prove something to anyone, it should be yourself, because you are." 

He lowered his hand and patted his knee a couple of times before offering him a smile, "I know that you're angry, Sugi, I know that you want to go apeshit, but don't let it control you, you're stronger than that, 'aight? Now, let’s get out of here, my tummy is craving some _Nikuman_ rolls."

Takasugi smiled back and wiped his tears with the tips of his fingers, "Yeah, let's go."

Gintoki helped him stand up and threw a helmet his way, the boy grabbed it and put it on, and he did the same with his own.

He sat on the Vespa and shifted a little bit. When he felt him against his back, he smiled, and looked over his shoulder.

"Fuck him."

And, just like that, they left, with Takasugi holding him by the waist, and him humming a song Kagura had been singing non-stop a few days ago.

Once they reached his house after buying four _Nikuman_ rolls at a nearby shop, both jumped out of the Vespa, and parked it outside the house. Gintoki walked from one spot to another, fidgeting and tearing up holes in the steamy paper bag until he dared to cough with the intention of catching his attention, "Hey, _uhm_ , s-so, here's the thing…"

He quickly looked at him then at the grass, his eyes staying there, and cleared his throat. "I, _uh_ , I love you too, I mean, _hah_ , I know it's kind of obvious and stupid to mention, but, yeah, _huh_ , figured you deserved to know, I..."

Gintoki hit a small rock with the tip of his shoe. He was extremely nervous but made a pact with himself that he would finish what he had started saying. He was going to be a man.

"I...I love the shit out of you, Sugi, and _I_ – I don't think there has ever been a moment in which–"

He turned around and stared at him. Takasugi was blushing and smiling. Gintoki smiled too, his sight on him and not leaving.

"...I haven't loved you to pieces."

In that moment, Takasugi ran towards him. Wide-eyed, Gintoki started panicking, "Takasugi-kun?! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it! It was a _prank_! Hey, _hey_! _Woah_! What the _fuck_?! Hang on, _hang_ –!"

The boy jumped straight into his arms, making them both trip and fall on the grass along with the bag that contained the _Nikuman_ rolls. They embraced each other for a long time before Takasugi grabbed him by the cheeks gently. 

“You dumbass.” He whispered as he squinted at him, “ _dumbass_ ,” he repeated.

Gintoki blinked at him and chuckled, his cheeks hot against his cold hands, "You almost killed me, you little bastard."

"I'll get you next time," Takasugi breathed out.

"Bet," He answered as he looked at him up and down, then clicked his tongue, “Ah, _crap_ , are the rolls okay?”

He raised a trembling hand towards the paper bag, but was stopped by Takasugi’s own. The boy caressed it before intertwining their fingers together. Gintoki blushed and gripped his palm hard, so much so that it turned completely pale.

"You heard me," Takasugi said, matter-of-factly, "Didn't you?"

Gintoki swallowed, "Yeah, it made me feel really, really embarrassed, for you, I mean– I was–", he paused, spared him a glance, so lost in him, and gave up with a sigh, " _Yeah_."

Takasugi hugged him again, and he reciprocated, holding him like his life depended on it.

And he didn't let go of him, because, why the hell would he? Every single one of his pieces, broken or not, had always loved him, and now that they were back to where they belonged, nothing could stop them from melting completely into him ever again.

**Author's Note:**

> Is the story over, you might ask? The answer varies from "no" to "I'm not sure". But it's definitely not a "yes". Brain hurty.
> 
> Also I'm working on a coming-of-age script based on this story as well as ocean waves. It'll be queer and beautiful.
> 
> Thank you for reading! And stay safe!


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